When thoust cuppeth the asseth of Jessica Biel, you heareth the voiceth of God...but you already know. - from the Book of Akon

Hi! Are you tired of spending holy week repenting for all the unholy weeks you’ve spent listening to Akon?
Do you equate “doing penance” with listening (guilt free!) to the contents of the record store shelves labeled “Christian”?
Do you find genuine catharsis in a Creed song?

None of the above questions have anything to do with the playlist you will find after the jump. Holy week just reminds me of the judging stares I received from my grandmother and my aunts for not marathoning 7th Heaven with the rest of the clan (just kidding, we didn’t do that [I wasn't kidding about the judging stares though, which I receive for many other things]).

Sometime in my youth, several decades ago because I am an old old man, I discovered an album called Grace by one Jeff Buckley, and this quickly became canon by way of holy week fare. Grace was an album I could play full-blast without pissing off the neighboring churches. “Finally! An album that doesn’t make me think about getting laid and other fanciful and frivolous concerns like da club!” I bet the priests next door all thought “Our child has seen the light!” even if songs like “Mojo Pin” are actually about heroin and other injectables.

This eventually led me to more guilt-free music: songs I could immerse myself in that made me feel I was one with the congregation. Over time, time being 25 holy weeks (I am an old OLD man), it all added up to include the less obvious selections, until all music becomes a means of worship. There’s nothing from Grace on this playlist, but all these songs capture that initial sense of being lifted that came with my first listen to that album, more than ten years ago.

Then holy week ends, and all music becomes a means of flirting, which is like worship without the commitment. I guess I’m kind of a slut in that way.

Don’t judge. –ALICE SARMIENTO

1. Sonic Youth – “(I Got A) Catholic Block” Sister (1987)
2. Stars – “He lied about death” Set Yourself on Fire (2004)
3. Yeasayer – “Germs” All Hours Cymbals (2007)
4. Frances – “Opening Ceremony” Daytrotter Session (8/5/2009)
5. YACHT – “The Afterlife” See Mystery Lights (2009)
6. Women – “Locust Valley” Public Strain (2010)
7. Patti Smith – “Elegie” Horses (1975)
8. The Walkmen – “Long Time Ahead of Us” You & Me (2008)
9. M83 – “You, appearing” Saturdays = Youth (2009)
10. The National – “Gospel” Boxer (2007)
11. Twinemen – “Who’s Gonna Sing” S/T (2002)
12. The Mountain Goats – “Love Love Love” The Sunset Tree (2005)
13. Neutral Milk Hotel – “In The Aeroplane Over The Sea” In The Aeroplane Over The Sea (1998)
14. The Dodos – “God” Visiter (2008)

Download Saints, Skeptics, and Sinners: A Holy Week Playlist

Our search for the perfect “I hate you” song often ends in specious aggression – an encounter with pummeling guitars and no-nonsense “fuck you” attitude. In fact, several emo bands have built entire careers on feeding on an insatiable desire to shout out pain and hatred. This need, however, is strangely unfulfilled even by the entire canon of emo angst. After all, the anatomy of a typical hate song lacks context: it is rage in a vacuum, with neither background nor catharsis.

So what is the perfect hate song? Bob Dylan’s Idiot Wind, from Blood on the Tracks. It has all the archetypes of hate: you should have known me better (“I couldn’t believe after all these years, you didn’t know me better than that”); you hurt me to no end (“You hurt that ones I love and cover up the truth with lies”); you’ll get yours, too (“One day you’ll be in the ditch, flies buzzin’ around your eyes”) – and even blunt name-calling (“You’re an eeeediot, babe”). And while this mix of sentiments in a seven-minute song satisfies our search to a certain extent, in itself, Idiot Wind is no different from the songs about hate we love.

Download “The Perfect Playlist on Hate”

What makes Idiot Wind, track number four, the perfect hate song is the context laid down by the preceding three tracks in the album: Tangled up in Blue’s mysterious meet-cute, Simple Twist of Fate’s tale of loss, and You’re a Big Girl Now’s grasping at straws. These elements come together and boil towards a climactic outburst through Dylan’s poisonous pen come Idiot Wind.

The ideal playlist on haterade, therefore, is structured like Blood on the Tracks. After Idiot Wind, Dylan swerves into breakdown (You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go), resignation (If You See Her, Say Hello), and eventually, bittersweet acceptance (see Buckets of Rain). And this, folks, is the catharsis that the typical hate song lacks – as these songs usually start and end with overwhelming pain.

So about that haterade playlist: we couldn’t laud the merits of Idiot Wind and not place it in the list. But Idiot Wind will not work well without Tangled up in Blue, Simple Twist of Fate, and You’re a Big Girl Now, so those songs go in the list as well. There’s the set-up, the prelude to disaster, and the eventual outburst. The rest of the songs should trace the recovery from the hate-fallout.

The ideal playlist on hate is like Blood on the Tracks. So fuck it, just listen to Blood on the Tracks, then. Then thank me after you throw that jilting lover in a ditch and wait for the flies to descend.

Haterade Playlist – Blood on the Tracks
1. Bob Dylan – Tangled up in Blue
2. Bob Dylan – Simple Twist of Fate
3. Bob Dylan – You’re a Big Girl Now
4. Bob Dylan – Idiot Wind
5. Bob Dylan – You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go
6. Bob Dylan – Meet Me in the Morning
7. Bob Dylan – Lily, Rosemary, and the Jack of Hearts
8. Bob Dylan – If You See Her, Say Hello
9. Bob Dylan – Shelter From the Storm
10. Bob Dylan – Buckets of Rain

This playlist was supposed to be called, “I bet you want to hit me right now because you’re so angry–I’m not angry, okay!–Tell that to the vein on your forehead!–FUUUU–! I’m not angry, okay!” But it was too long. I bet you want to hit me right now because even this title kind of sucks, and to speak of murder in a 3rd world country is a little insensitive.

Out of good intentions, your nearest and dearest will often tell you that they “know you’re mad, but that is no reason to raise your voice,” or do whatever it is that you do when you’re about to fly off the hook. But before we deny ourselves of the pleasures of violent rage, we must recognize its value.

This makes me want to throw my laptop at the wall, but that would be letting the terrorists win.

Anger is a good indication of our humanity, it reminds us that there are still things in this world worth caring for–deeply enough to cause us to lose our tempers, burst veins, and scare the shit out of everyone around us. But in these modern times, we have come to recognize anger as something that needs to be “managed”, or at the very least earned before it is understood, as if there is a quota to the number of times life is allowed to screw us over. There are good reasons for this, anger being behind so many regrettable events of historic proportions.

Thus, in terms of management, modern man has introduced scientific ways of calculating the weight of our problems before we are allowed to lose it and confront the cause.

So here’s a mix of songs you can listen to while you’re busy coming to terms with your anger. These songs go well with the sound of breaking glass and the picture you have in your head of hatcheting someone in the face. Hopefully, by track 11, you’ll have arrived at some deeper understanding of what that was all about, and realize that there are better ways to agonize over your problems.

Or not! In that case, may I recommend that you stay away from  all forms of kitchenware, read Hope for the Flowers, and maybe listen to the playlist again.

–ALICE SARMIENTO

1. Oxes – “Boss Kitty”
2. No Age – “Sleeper Hold”
3. Modest Mouse – “Fly Trapped in a Jar”
4. Sonic Youth – “G-Force”
5. Mr. Bungle – “Golem II: The Bionic Vapor Boy”
6. MC5 – “Motor City is Burning”
7. Lightning Bolt – “Riffwraith”
8. Man Man – “Harpoon Fever (Queequeg’s Playhouse)”
9. Faith No More – “Be Aggressive”
10. Dan Deacon – “Get Older’
11. Liars – “Here Comes All the People”

Download “The Anger Management Playlist: Music for Bloody Murder”

“I should be floating but I’m weighted by thinking”
– Animal Collective

August of this year was, indisputably, my worst month. I had this persistent cold, felt constantly smothered (“like I’ve been breathing nothing but bad air”), and walked around feeling perpetually unsatisfied. My hunger was never satiated, no matter how much I ate; I was always tired; and I opted to stay home and lie in my bed, instead of spending time with my friends. I became concerned that something was wrong with me, and I went to the doctor’s clinic a few times. We ran a battery of tests, and when the results came in, it was pretty surprising: There just wasn’t anything wrong with me.

I was pretty frustrated by all this. One of the girls at my office had noticed that I was starting to become concerned about my health, and referred me to the husband of one of the interns. He was from Beijing, and a doctor of traditional Chinese medicine.

By Jorge Pineda via BOOOOOOOM!

His diagnosis was simple, elegant, and profound:

I was thinking too much.

Download “My Manila Playlist”

And it was true: I’d slipped into this neurotic, dark place where I spent an excessive amount of time dwelling on, and collocating my problems. I had forgotten about the nicer things in life, like love, or the indefatigable feeling that everything does sort itself out, as long as I kept vigilant. I kept fixating on the impossibilities, on the limitations, on the walls we build as part of surviving the day-to-day as part of our struggles with being, with the unbearable heaviness of being. The Dhammapada has this wonderful passage that I reference on occasion. The Buddha is comparing the strengths of two warriors. On one hand, a warrior goes into battle and conquers 10,000, and 10,000 more. On the other, a warrior conquers but one: himself. This, Buddha tells us, is the greater victory, for there is no greater victory in life than the victory over oneself.

When the doctor found out I was traveling to Borneo for a holiday at the end of that month, he strongly recommended that I take that opportunity to find peace and clarity and, most importantly, begin running my sails with the wind that will, eventually, take me back home. Or to use my brother’s marijuana-inflected advice, to “find a way to achieve escape velocity & get yrself up to speed, brah”.

After feeling out, and indulging in, the possibilities in this part of the world for a while, what I needed more than anything was to move elsewhere to explore other avenues, other directions. There’s so much life ahead of me to look forward to, and giving two years to Manila was enough. Whatever questions compelled me initially to live in Manila have since been answered, and I feel quite satisfied about my time. There’s this Hebrew phrase that captures my bittersweet feelings towards Manila perfectly: “It was good, but it’s good that it was.” I can’t say I will never come back, but the world is just so big, with so many “endlessly changing horizons”.

“A shit year ends, I kiss my friends / we raise half-empty glasses / to the next one and the night wears on…”
– The Lucksmiths

I guess I just wanted to publish this before I go back home because I know that as soon as I arrive back home, most of my memories, reflections, senses, and intuitions will be washed away. In a crowded room: winter light through the fogged windows, the cedar tables and oak floors stained with evergreen grease and the salty rain of Puget Sound, all eyes on me:

• “So, how was it?”,
• “Did you have a lot of fun?”
• “Was it really poor?”,
• “What were the girls like?”
• “So, how was it?”
• “Did you live next to the beach?”,
• “Dude, you’ve been gone for so long.”
• “So, how was it?”

I am certain that back in the grey and the cold and the wet loveliness of Seattle, it will all become so clear: what this has all been about, what the last two years spent away have really meant. I may even have to rush to the bathroom to spin my totem. The past couple years have seen some incredible changes in my life, to say the least, and these have had a profound effect on who I’ve become as a person. I got a master’s degree, worked for a prominent NGO helping make the world a better place, travelled around many different countries halfway across the world, and had the opportunity to meet, learn from, and grow with many amazing individuals from different cultures and backgrounds. The intensity of all of these changes—occurring so far away from home, for so long, against such an intensely challenging and foreign backdrop—is, in many ways, muted and ineffable. Or, at least, to those inquiring as to how it was.

My time in the Philippines has revealed to me that despite all the chaos, all the obstacles, and—frankly—all the bullshit, humanity manages to make things work as best as it can. I can go on and on about what “needs to be done” to help the Philippines address its pressing and tremendous challenges, but I will say, however, that one problem still doesn’t make sense to me: I never really properly understood why Filipino people seem to be so insecure all the time, why so much effort, at both the personal and the political level, is spent on monitoring how other people think about Filipinos. Think about all the hours the government wastes condemning writers and artists who crack a comment about the Filipino character! (The humorous local English idiom, “onion-skinned”, is apt here) All the ruffled feathers, bruised egos, all these moments when Filipinos indulge in this inferiority-complex: it’s all hogwash, as far as I’m concerned. The Philippines is just fantastic, with a people as amazing and wonderful and kind-hearted as any on Earth. It’d probably help the Philippines’ a great deal if its people just stopped feeling so inferior all the time, and just learn to let some things go.

Personally, I have witnessed such immense beauty in the Philippines, and the cliché rings true: I will never forget it. No words of mine can come close to expressing the almost-overwhelming gratitude I have for the hospitality and warmth and sense of camaraderie shown me by the Filipino people. It was all just so amazing.

“So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.”

- Alexander Supertramp

I’d already talked about how 2010 was an amazing year for new music, but it should be pointed out that “new music” didn’t necessarily sonically define my time living in the Philippines. I put together the following songs because I felt that, for a variety of reasons, they really captured the spirit of my time here. There are obvious omissions: The Bloody Beetroots’ “Dimmakommunication”, Pryda’s “Miami to Atlanta”, Birdy Nam Nam’s “Transboulogne Express”, even old-school Basement Jaxx’s “Where’s Your Head At?” (seriously) all stand out for their own humorous reasons. Nonetheless, here it is, a sonic summation of the last two years:

1. Telefon Tel Aviv – Helen of Troy
2. MGMT – Kids
3. Empire of the Sun – Walking on a Dream
4. Neon Indian – Should Have Taken Acid With You
5. Beirut – My Night with the Prostitute in Marseilles
6. Discovery – Osaka Loop Line
7. Washed Out – Feel It All Around
8. Girls – Lust for Life
9. Tycho – Coastal Brake
10. Gold Panda – Quitters Raga
11. Matias Aguayo – Juanita
12. Gui Boratto – No Turning Back
13. Underworld – Eight Ball
14. Jens Fokking & Friends – I Give Myself to Strangers
15. Massive Attack (feat. Tracey Thorn) – Protection
16. The National – Ada
17. Wild Nothing – Golden Haze
18. Vampire Weekend – Horchata
19. Paul Simon – Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes
20. The Lucksmiths – Get-to-Bed Birds
21. Broken Social Scene – Sentimental X’s
22. Animal Collective – What Would I Want? Sky

Download “My Manila Playlist”

Thank you for everything Manila!
–O.B.

He believes that Veganism, Pot, & Electronic Dance Music are all proof that God loves us. Feel free to ask him anything here.

By HANNA KRISHNA N. CALLORA

Roald Dahl is one of my favorite writers. Growing up, I always thought he was my other father.

I was never the kid who played outside after school, running around after other kids and climbing trees and getting dirty. I read a lot and I wrote poems.

When it was time for bed and the lights were already out, I would hide under the covers and read a book with the flashlight on. My eyesight is for shit now, but I loved those nights when all I had were my books because I had some pretty interesting dreams then, that would have been perfect for children’s stories if I only wrote them down.

Book were my playground and that was enough for me.

Everyday I Write a Book

1. Annabel Lee – Matthew Gray Gubler
2. Bookends – Simon & Garfunkel
3. Books Written For Girls – Camera Obscura
4. The Story So Far – Outerhope
5. Another Likely Story – Au Revoir Simone
6. Here’s Where The Story Ends – The Sundays
7. The Pen Story – Johannes Stankowski
8. Bright Pink Bookmark – Frightened Rabbit
9. Last Words – The Real Tuesday Weld
10. Book End – Lucien La Motte
11. How’s About Telling A Story – Devendra Banhart
12. Plenty Of Paper – Eisley
13. Eight Line Poem – David Bowie
14. Everyday I Write The Book – Elvis Costello
15. Paperback Writer – The Beatles

But that was not real life, that was just high school–a period distorted by expectations, pop songs, and teen drama shows. And as unfathomable as it may have seemed at the time, there is a whole lifetime of change that happens between now and  then, like in that Demi Moore movie where Thora Birch got to play the hot one for a change.

Nevertheless, the friendships you formed in those years left a profound effect on the ones you formed later on. These were the friendships that first gave you an idea of your boundaries and of how far you can–and will–go. –ALICE SARMIENTO

Download “We Don’t Dive, We Cannonball!”

1. (1) The Walkmen – “Juveniles” from Lisbon
2. (2) Metric – “Soft Rock Star” from Grow Up and Blow Away
3. (3) Sufjan Stevens – “The Perpetual Self  or ‘What Would Saul Alinsky Do?’” from The Avalanche
4. (4) My Little Airport – “Victor, fly me to Stafford” from Zoo is Sad, People are Cruel
5. (5) Wild Nothing – “Summer Holiday” from Gemini
6. (6) Thao and the Get Down Stay Down – “Swimming Pools” from We Brave Bee Stings and All
7. (7) The Flaming Lips – “When Yer Twenty-two” from Transmissions from the Satellite Heart
8. (8) YACHT – “Summer Song” from See Mystery Lights
9. (9) Fyfe Dangerfield – “Any Direction” from Fly Yellow Moon
10. (10) Passion Pit – “Let Your Love Grow Tall” from Manners
11. (11) Andrew Bird – “Tables and Chairs” from The Mysterious Production of Eggs

Download “We Don’t Dive, We Cannonball!”

High School Class Picture circa 2003.

The term petiks was derived from “pipitik-pitik”. Directly translated, this means to snap one’s fingers, but in the more familiar territory of slacking off, it can be better understood as the “thumb twiddle”, a.k.a. that thing you do when you sit back and wait for something to happen. Which is highly unlikely in the rank-and-file culture of the corporate world: that wonderful environment where you can actually convince yourself that the dude in the next cubicle is a likely bet–despite his being gayer than a handbag full of rainbows.

At an office, the art of thumb twiddling, or petiks has been raised to new heights with the advent of the information age. Petiks has found a friend in twitter, tumblr, friendster, and of course, facebook. This problem has been solved by your friendly neighborhood IT person, who has dutifully gone on to block all the addresses that have made petiks possible–except on their own networks which still give them free reign over their cabbage patches in Farmville.

My office had me confused about the difference between petiks and work. In my definition, work was anything I did sitting at my desk for 8 hours a day. Work didn’t have to be a pain in the ass; on average it took about an hour and a half to generate and sift through sales reports and merchandising calendars, which left me with copious amounts of time throughout the workweek to twiddle my thumbs. But really, where did all that time go?

1. EXCEL ART!

   Me, to my boss: How do you do that thing on excel where you select a whole area and then fill only certain cells with color?
   My boss: (blablabla some gibberish I can no longer recall)

   45 minutes later, and TADA!

   

   How much color can I throw at my eyeballs? Let Excel count the ways.

   Excel is useful for organizing data and designing really garish Welcome mats, among other things.

2. Chat up Cleverbot

   What do you do with all the random word vomit that accumulates from staring at sales reports and listening to small talk? You go on twitter and vent. Unfortunately your IT guy knows you’ve been going on twitter and venting, and your IT guy doesn’t want word getting out about how inhuman your conditions are. (Just kidding, they are not inhuman. You get free water, climate control, and carpeting; and to call this inhuman would diminish things that actually are inhuman. Like apartheid.)
   So you go to Cleverbot. Here comes Cleverbot, with the answers to all your most important questions.
   

   You too can feel clever for having found loopholes in the firewalls to indulge your need for interweb detritus and ironically cryptic oversharing. How could the IT people never have heard of Cleverbot?

3. Send Motivational Posters to your Disgruntled Office Friends

   The most important issues I have to face at work (especially at my old office) involved who deserved what brand of motivation. Guy in cubicle 4, Employee # 08058935748h9*** was feeling down, so I emailed him this and wished him well.

   

4. Make Slideshows About Random Objects

   The beauty of powerpoint is that no matter what your slideshow’s about, you look like you’re doing legitimate work. I mean, if it’s worth presenting it has to be IMPORTANT, right?
   And people assume you have a rilly rilly urgent presentation coming up, one that involves shareholders and big words to throw at your boss’s face, so no one bothers you.

   Even if what you’re working on is this.

   

Not that you’d want to make a powerpoint about folders, but as an example this DOES make a good point about this exercise in creatively wasting your time…and charging it to the company.) I made a Powerpoint about myself on my last day at my last office and sent it to my whole team. That was an awesome way to bid them farewell.

5. Make Playlists Based on Random Themes

   You may not have access to sites like youtube and vimeo; but most firewalls wouldn’t block yousendit and mediafire because there are times when you need those things, as a professional and productive member of the workforce.
   So make a mixtape. I made one that’s all waltzes, because waltzing the away makes the day go by faster. You can download that HERE.

   1. The Avalanches – “Two Hearts in 3/4 Time”
   2. Avi Buffalo – “Coaxed”
   3. The Magnetic Fields – “With Whom to Dance”
   4. Au Revoir Simone – “Don’t See the Sorrow”
   5. Laura Marling – “My Manic and I”
   6. Blue Roses – “Doubtful Comforts”
   7. Seabear – “Owl Waltz”
   8. Beach House – “All the Years”
   9. Andrew Bird – “Sovay”
   10. Explosions in the Sky – “Your Hand in Mine”

   Download “Waltzing Away”

Note that New Slang does not condone this kind of work ethic. We can’t blame you if you hate your job. A lot of us go through jobs we need at the expense of what’s really in our hearts. Just because you don’t like what you’re paid to do doesn’t mean you should be an asshole about it. There are however ways to be creative with your assholery so that it all somehow cancels out, just ask Tyler Durden.

Tyler Durden does not fuck around, and neither should you.

Unfortunately, she no longer has time for making petiks, as most of her waking hours are devoted to planning lessons, editing this website, and trying not to pull her hair out. This article is a perfect example of ironically productive time wastage.

To Whom It May Concern (you know who you are, you soulless bastard):

Please, please, please accept this letter as resignation of my position as fashion assistant, effective as soon as motherfucking possible.  I am offering you two weeks’ notice that will hopefully, by some way of miracle, be enough time for you to find the next masochistic, idiot to take my place. Good luck finding one who’ll put up with your stupid motivational posters (WORTH: Just because you’re necessary, doesn’t make you important) and ridiculous requests (No, you can’t call me Yaya in photo shoots. And no, I won’t go an ice cream diet just so you can look thinner next to me).

Download: Here’s Your Coffee Motherfucker

My decision to resign was finalized after wasting two years of my life, listening to you go on and on about how I’m responsible for your fuck-ups. It’s not my fault you ended up going on the ice cream diet, and that you gained 20 pounds thereby crushing your dreams of becoming the NEXT! BIG! THING! in ice skating. Just so you know no amount of latex or glitter can make you as cool as that other gay Creative Director (Snap!).

I regret having to leave friends, who no doubt will suffer through your insufferable mood swings once I’m gone because no one will be there to get you your coffee (Grande, but placed in a Vendi cup with a dash of 2% milk, no foam and two sachets of Equal) or count your calories (one boiled egg: 80 cal, a pack of peanuts: 45 cal, Skyflakes:120cal) or tell you that you’re not fat (Skinny jeans? Of course you have the legs for them! Ah Yes. Unlike me).

I apologize if I declined your offer for a promotion. I believe you misread my reaction when you told me I was beginning to become just like you. That was not the face of happiness. It was the face of abject horror on the brink of a total meltdown (See: The Shining)

Next to breaking up with my ex, this decision has been the best one I’ve made in a long, long time. I sincerely believe that this will be beneficial to my long-term goals, which includes dying with my dignity intact.

Again, it was a horrendous learning experience working for you and I wish you nothing but endless sorrow and an eternity’s worth of blue balls for the rest of your pathetic years.

Sincerely,

Sophia Fish

Sophie Fish loves discounted books and the smell of shoe polish. She one day hopes to write a book about her family but is currently very  happy in the arms of a very dorky but very loving man.

DISCUSSED: This was a goodbye letter/mix-tape that I made just last year to cap off a wonderfully painful and rather long relationship that ended in shambles. It was one of my many firsts and this marked the last of it.

February 23, 2009 Monday 00.56

1

Broken Social Scene – “Pitter Patter Goes My Heart”

This is the score.

Every note is strung together to tell the story of the sighs and tingles, blushes and butterflies, sparks and smiles.

This is how it’s supposed to feel. This is what makes everything worth it.

Download “How About Telling a Story?”

Au Revoir Simone – ‘Through the Backyards of Our Neighbors”

This was how we started.

It was late and I wanted to go home. You came with. You asked if I wanted something to eat. I must have said yes because we went out to get donuts and coffee. When we got home, the door was locked and I didn’t have a key. But the window was open so you climbed in and opened the door for me. It was the first night that it was just the two of us but there were no awkward pauses, just comfortable silences. You fell asleep; I couldn’t. And then, it happened. We happened. And you didn’t even know it.

Was it just a breeze? Was it a kiss? Breathless exquisite chills.

Fleming and John – “Comfortable”

This was what became of us. Ultimately, this was what made you want to leave.

2

The National – “About Today”

Today you were far away. And I didn’t ask you why. What could I say? I was far away. You just walked away. And I just watched you. What could I say? How close am I to losing you?

3

The Cure – “Lovecats”

Born out of random conversations, this was how you wanted to start our film project. It begins with a plink of a water drop, just a hint of a cloudburst yet to come. Chickens in combat mode, an idiot savant in roller-skates, and this song as an introduction, with two cats bopping their heads to the beat, to the wild inner workings of our brains.

The Doors – “Touch Me”

This is for all the broken promises in brown paper packages tied up with strings.

Al Green – “Let’s Stay Together”

It was raining and we invited friends over for dinner. I remember we had spaghetti. I had a crush on a friend then. I was oblivious to what you felt. All I knew was that you were a good friend and I wanted you there. We were watching a movie. This was the song that was playing.

Mishka Adams – “Green Dolphin Street”

This was what greeted me in the morning. This was what filled the little matchbox that was my home. This was what we used to dance to when you tried to cheer me up. This was one of my favorite memories with you.

Cynthia Alexander – “Malaya”

We are a falling star, a crooked stair, a fragile pair. We are beyond compare, a breaking glass, a cactus chair.

This was how you started the letter you wrote when we weren’t even us yet. It was filled with scribbles and squiggles and raw sugar. It was wonderful. It’s in a box with all the other scribbles and squiggles, where I used to keep you.

Sondre Lerche – “Stupid Memory”

Stupid memory, must you bring up these things?

4

The Wallflowers – “I’m Looking Through You (Beatles cover)”

I’m looking through you. Where did you go? I thought I knew you. What did I know? You don’t look different but you have changed. I’m looking through you. You’re not the same.

Emily Haines and the Soft Skeleton – “Doctor Blind”

My baby’s got the lonesome lows don’t quite go away overnight. Doctor Blind, just prescribe the blue ones.

Hole – “Malibu”

This is my cry for help. This is hope. This is worry. You need a shove, not a push. This is it.

And the sun goes down, I watch you slip away.

This is you, running away. This is me, running after you.

Jeff Buckley – “Lover, You Should’ve Come Over”

This is about mourning and realization.

5

Sarah Mclachlan – “Do What You Have To Do”

This is what the voices in my head and the little monsters under the bed whisper in my ear when I cry myself to sleep at night.

And I have the sense to recognize that I don’t know how to let you go.

Bjork – “Unravel”

While you are away / My heart comes undone / Slowly unravels / In a ball of yarn / The devil collects it / With a grin / Our love / In a ball of yarn / He’ll never return it / So when you come back / We’ll have to make new love

Yeah Yeah Yeahs – “Maps”

Wait, they don’t love you like I love you.

This is my ringing declaration of emotion.

Azure Ray - “Rise”

This is after you left.

Today I’ll crawl out of bed. I can’t stand your shadow is too heavy to lift. Maybe we’ll go for a ride. You said you’d take me nowhere, I said that suits me just fine. I know you’ve always been near, whispering secrets I know I’m not supposed to hear. Hold your heart with two hands. Give it to me, only to disappear.

Monkey Swallows the Universe – “Little Polveir”

Growing pains in lemonade and masquerades, this is what I let them see: a whimsical melody to mask melancholic thoughts and a smile to hide infinite sadness.

Well did you always know I’d never be right? You’ve taken your time to put on a brake light. What if the days draw in and you haven’t found your one? Will you come back and see if I could be someone?

Fleetwood Mac – “Landslide”

Oh, mirror in the sky. What is love?

This was it, I thought. This was it, you made me believe.

Well I’ve been afraid of changing ‘cause I’ve built my life around you.

I always feared happiness because something’s bound to go wrong once you’ve dipped a toe in it. But I jumped in anyway.

So take this love, take it down.

Chris Isaak – “Graduation Day”

This is the end of it. Funny how things change.

Thinking of a time when everything was right / Thinking of a time with only you and I / Makes me sorry that it had to end that way / Learned my lesson, now there’s nothing left to say / Graduation day, oh, gradutaion day.

6

Stars – “Your Ex-Lover is Dead”

I’m not sorry I met you. I’m not sorry it’s over. I’m not sorry there’s nothing to say. I’m not sorry there’s nothing to save.

7

Billy Joel – “Vienna”

This is for you and me for different reasons.

Jeff Buckley – “Last Goodbye”

This is goodbye.

8

The Beach Boys – “God Only Knows”

This was what I used to sing in your ear. I tried to sing it to you on m y last night, but it just made me cry. Still, this is what I want to remember. This is what I want to keep.

Note: This memory has been tucked away in the deep recesses of my brain and there’s a boy who has been singing songs for me for over a year now.

Hanna Krishna S. Callora gets by as a freelance writer, who dreams of coconuts and watches movies in her head-world. She loves cake, music, movies, books, random trivia, new notebooks, thrift stores, coloring books, Post-its, and silly rabbits.

The way intimacy transitions into reality gets cruel at times, and as you curl up half-sober in the backseat of a cab, you are soothed only by leaning your head on the window and feeling the cold, hard surface against your flushed cheeks.

Sultry saxophone notes, searing synthesizers, and a tinge of white soul courtesy of Go West – midnight neon light music. — MARGA DEONA

Download “Neon Lights at Midnight”

1. Icehouse – Electric Blue
2. Johnny Hates Jazz – Don’t Say It’s Love
3. Go West – Eye To Eye (Horizontal Remix)
4. New Order – 1963
5. Tears For Fears – The Working Hour
6. Prefab Sprout – Appetite