By RIA REDULLA

DISCUSSED: Hailing Jeepneys from flyovers, Douchecars with Douchelights, A VW named Roger

On the year I turned 21, I finally achieved every kid’s lifelong dream: a driver’s license. My older sisters all got their licenses during their college years, which put me way behind. I lived in Manila for college and didn’t own a car there, so I didn’t bother to learn until I graduated and went back home to Cebu.

After ten hours of driving lessons at Prodrive (and 30 minutes with my dad where he ended up yelling and I ended up crying), I finally had it. The most awesome part was that my dad gave me the keys to his first car ever, a red 1976 Volkswagen Bug named Roger. When I slid that key into the ignition, I knew it.

Good ol' Roger at 35 years old this year. He's considered part of the family.

The road was finally mine!

I’M INVINCIBLE!
I’M UNSTOPPABLE!
I’M…. stuck in traffic.

[cue sound of brakes]

That’s right. Like many other kids, I found myself quickly disillusioned by the magic of driving. When the roads are clear, cruising smoothly down highways and avenues is a dream. But alas, everyday life is not so pleasant. With smoke belchers, traffic jams and the occasional trap of following a garbage truck, driving is not as we imagined when we were young.

Initially, I still loved the privilege of being trusted with the family’s most prized heirloom. I never considered driving to be something stressful, but as the years went by, I started to get highly irritated by the many factors that make driving a chore, which eventually developed into what is popularly known as road rage.

Mmm-hmm, I'm totally feelin' you, Cruella dahling.

Here are some of things that have helped me get to this point:

1. Stupid pedestrians.

Whenever there’s an accident involving a vehicle and a pedestrian, I’m willing to bet a million bucks that the majority of the time, it’s the pedestrian’s fault. If you drive, you’d know what it’s like to have your blood pressure shoot through the roof whenever you have to slam on the brakes in the middle of a fourth-gear cruise all because some neuron-deficient teenager scampers across the highway at the last minute. I remember seeing for the first time a man crossing Commonwealth Avenue at 7AM rush hour and thinking, “Wow. Human stupidity knows no boundaries.”

I swear, if I ever run for local government, my first order of business would be to grant generous cash rewards to people who purposely run over stupid pedestrians, such as those who see more reason in crossing a deadly highway than using a skywalk that’s only a few freakin meters away. Bonus prize if it’s a mother and child. (Video footage will also be taken and sent to TV Patrol as a blooper montage complete with whimsical background music.)

2. Motorcyclists.

Motorcycles are the mosquitoes of the road. They are pests who think they can just zigzag wherever and whenever they want just because their size allows it. I have lost count of the many times I’ve wished Roger was a monster truck so I’d be able to pulverize the next motorcycle that swerves in front of me. Also, not to sound like some uptight mom, but those things really are dangerous. My dad used to own one in his younger days and if not for his helmet, he would’ve died from that nasty accident he got into. The sooner we abolish those things (except maybe for Harleys, because those are just too cool), the safer and less stressful the streets would be.

3. Jeepney drivers.

Jeepney drivers who stop in the middle of the road. Jeepney drivers who stop at corners. Jeepney drivers who swerve right onto the road without looking. Jeepney drivers who think that waving their hand from outside their window is a valid signal for all of mankind and creation to stop just for them. Ah yes, this is definite proof that LTO gives licenses away like a dealer gives drugs at clubs.

I know life is hard and they’re just trying to make a living, and I respect that, though I’d rather appreciate it if they would carry on with their livelihood by driving like decent human beings without causing any accidents (via direct collision or the other driver getting a stroke from the frustration).

4. People who don’t use Jeepney stops.

Let’s face it. The jeepneys wouldn’t be stopping at all of the most inconvenient spots on the road if the stupid people weren’t there in the first place. I mean, seriously, who waits for a jeepney on a flyover?! What amuses me sometimes is when these aforementioned individuals are in their school uniforms. Just goes to show that education does not necessarily mean wisdom.

I propose to implement a nationwide custom to throw any staining or sticky non-harmful objects or substances at these traffic nuisances. Gum, rotten eggs, canal water – the more creative, the better! We could have contests! The possibilities are endless!

5. Douchebags with douchecar and douchlights.

Is there anything more annoying than a popped collar-sporting prick driving an SUV with spinning 22-inch rims? Yes! If the said prick uses his obnoxious HID headlights in an already well-lit street! Throw in some loud Lil Jon music and you have the ultimate formula for the Perfect Road Douchebag. You obviously don’t need extra lighting, so what exactly trying to say or do here? Just that you HAVE bright lights? To this day, the logic behind it escapes me. Oh well, blind me all you want, man. I’m guessing your lights are bright enough for you to see which finger I’m holding out of my window.

6. Potholes.

Payday is a real bitch especially when you see the huge ass chunk that is the witholding tax (a.k.a. money you could have used for food, gas, or that dress you saw in the mall last month that was so unbelievably cute, you lost sleep over it) deducted from your paycheck. What’s an even bigger bitch is driving home after a rough day at a low-paying job and practically getting a whiplash from all the potholes in the road. Where the hell are my taxes going?!?!

Jeez, government. I know, I know—it must be a tough job having to budget our tax money between your latest BMW monthly payments and your kids’ Ivy League college tuitions, but if you’re going to keep your beloved Filipinos in the streets, can you at least FIX the streets?? It’s like driving on the moon here!!

7. People who stay in the middle of two lanes. And slowly.

JUST PICK A LAAAANE, NUMBNUTS!!! IS THAT SO DIFFICULT???

So for the lot of you who don’t have their licenses yet, don’t feel so bad about it. I haven’t even talked about how your parents turn you into a courier service or a personal chauffeur and whatnot. Don’t get too discouraged either. Believe me, driving can be a real joy. It’s a shallow sense of fulfillment in controlling your destiny for the moment – even if you’re actually just going to the nearby grocery to buy toothpaste or something.

Road rage is inevitable. Just don’t let it get the best of you. But if the idea of running over stupid pedestrians gets passed in the government, don’t be too surprised to see a red VW bug charging in the streets.

Ria Redulla is a hyperactive, curly-haired Cebuana with a bottomless pit for a stomach. A typical island girl, she is determined to live by the beach someday. This dream came true recently, as Ria now works in Boracay.

She believes in God, love, and saving the environment. Her current affairs include wandering around in her VW bug and hosting a music show on a local TV channel in Cebu.

She has written about her awkward years spent in a back brace, and her mother’s battle with Cebu’s legal system.