By SOPHIA FISH

To Whom It May Concern (you know who you are, you soulless bastard):

Please, please, please accept this letter as resignation of my position as fashion assistant, effective as soon as motherfucking possible.  I am offering you two weeks’ notice that will hopefully, by some way of miracle, be enough time for you to find the next masochistic, idiot to take my place. Good luck finding one who’ll put up with your stupid motivational posters (WORTH: Just because you’re necessary, doesn’t make you important) and ridiculous requests (No, you can’t call me Yaya in photo shoots. And no, I won’t go an ice cream diet just so you can look thinner next to me).

Download: Here’s Your Coffee Motherfucker

My decision to resign was finalized after wasting two years of my life, listening to you go on and on about how I’m responsible for your fuck-ups. It’s not my fault you ended up going on the ice cream diet, and that you gained 20 pounds thereby crushing your dreams of becoming the NEXT! BIG! THING! in ice skating. Just so you know no amount of latex or glitter can make you as cool as that other gay Creative Director (Snap!).

I regret having to leave friends, who no doubt will suffer through your insufferable mood swings once I’m gone because no one will be there to get you your coffee (Grande, but placed in a Vendi cup with a dash of 2% milk, no foam and two sachets of Equal) or count your calories (one boiled egg: 80 cal, a pack of peanuts: 45 cal, Skyflakes:120cal) or tell you that you’re not fat (Skinny jeans? Of course you have the legs for them! Ah Yes. Unlike me).

I apologize if I declined your offer for a promotion. I believe you misread my reaction when you told me I was beginning to become just like you. That was not the face of happiness. It was the face of abject horror on the brink of a total meltdown (See: The Shining)

Next to breaking up with my ex, this decision has been the best one I’ve made in a long, long time. I sincerely believe that this will be beneficial to my long-term goals, which includes dying with my dignity intact.

Again, it was a horrendous learning experience working for you and I wish you nothing but endless sorrow and an eternity’s worth of blue balls for the rest of your pathetic years.

Sincerely,

Sophia Fish

Sophie Fish loves discounted books and the smell of shoe polish. She one day hopes to write a book about her family but is currently very  happy in the arms of a very dorky but very loving man.