By HANNA KRISHNA S. CALLORA

DISCUSSED: This was a goodbye letter/mix-tape that I made just last year to cap off a wonderfully painful and rather long relationship that ended in shambles. It was one of my many firsts and this marked the last of it.

February 23, 2009 Monday 00.56

1

Broken Social Scene – “Pitter Patter Goes My Heart”

This is the score.

Every note is strung together to tell the story of the sighs and tingles, blushes and butterflies, sparks and smiles.

This is how it’s supposed to feel. This is what makes everything worth it.

Download “How About Telling a Story?”

Au Revoir Simone – ‘Through the Backyards of Our Neighbors”

This was how we started.

It was late and I wanted to go home. You came with. You asked if I wanted something to eat. I must have said yes because we went out to get donuts and coffee. When we got home, the door was locked and I didn’t have a key. But the window was open so you climbed in and opened the door for me. It was the first night that it was just the two of us but there were no awkward pauses, just comfortable silences. You fell asleep; I couldn’t. And then, it happened. We happened. And you didn’t even know it.

Was it just a breeze? Was it a kiss? Breathless exquisite chills.

Fleming and John – “Comfortable”

This was what became of us. Ultimately, this was what made you want to leave.

2

The National – “About Today”

Today you were far away. And I didn’t ask you why. What could I say? I was far away. You just walked away. And I just watched you. What could I say? How close am I to losing you?

3

The Cure – “Lovecats”

Born out of random conversations, this was how you wanted to start our film project. It begins with a plink of a water drop, just a hint of a cloudburst yet to come. Chickens in combat mode, an idiot savant in roller-skates, and this song as an introduction, with two cats bopping their heads to the beat, to the wild inner workings of our brains.

The Doors – “Touch Me”

This is for all the broken promises in brown paper packages tied up with strings.

Al Green – “Let’s Stay Together”

It was raining and we invited friends over for dinner. I remember we had spaghetti. I had a crush on a friend then. I was oblivious to what you felt. All I knew was that you were a good friend and I wanted you there. We were watching a movie. This was the song that was playing.

Mishka Adams – “Green Dolphin Street”

This was what greeted me in the morning. This was what filled the little matchbox that was my home. This was what we used to dance to when you tried to cheer me up. This was one of my favorite memories with you.

Cynthia Alexander – “Malaya”

We are a falling star, a crooked stair, a fragile pair. We are beyond compare, a breaking glass, a cactus chair.

This was how you started the letter you wrote when we weren’t even us yet. It was filled with scribbles and squiggles and raw sugar. It was wonderful. It’s in a box with all the other scribbles and squiggles, where I used to keep you.

Sondre Lerche – “Stupid Memory”

Stupid memory, must you bring up these things?

4

The Wallflowers – “I’m Looking Through You (Beatles cover)”

I’m looking through you. Where did you go? I thought I knew you. What did I know? You don’t look different but you have changed. I’m looking through you. You’re not the same.

Emily Haines and the Soft Skeleton – “Doctor Blind”

My baby’s got the lonesome lows don’t quite go away overnight. Doctor Blind, just prescribe the blue ones.

Hole – “Malibu”

This is my cry for help. This is hope. This is worry. You need a shove, not a push. This is it.

And the sun goes down, I watch you slip away.

This is you, running away. This is me, running after you.

Jeff Buckley – “Lover, You Should’ve Come Over”

This is about mourning and realization.

5

Sarah Mclachlan – “Do What You Have To Do”

This is what the voices in my head and the little monsters under the bed whisper in my ear when I cry myself to sleep at night.

And I have the sense to recognize that I don’t know how to let you go.

Bjork – “Unravel”

While you are away / My heart comes undone / Slowly unravels / In a ball of yarn / The devil collects it / With a grin / Our love / In a ball of yarn / He’ll never return it / So when you come back / We’ll have to make new love

Yeah Yeah Yeahs – “Maps”

Wait, they don’t love you like I love you.

This is my ringing declaration of emotion.

Azure Ray - “Rise”

This is after you left.

Today I’ll crawl out of bed. I can’t stand your shadow is too heavy to lift. Maybe we’ll go for a ride. You said you’d take me nowhere, I said that suits me just fine. I know you’ve always been near, whispering secrets I know I’m not supposed to hear. Hold your heart with two hands. Give it to me, only to disappear.

Monkey Swallows the Universe – “Little Polveir”

Growing pains in lemonade and masquerades, this is what I let them see: a whimsical melody to mask melancholic thoughts and a smile to hide infinite sadness.

Well did you always know I’d never be right? You’ve taken your time to put on a brake light. What if the days draw in and you haven’t found your one? Will you come back and see if I could be someone?

Fleetwood Mac – “Landslide”

Oh, mirror in the sky. What is love?

This was it, I thought. This was it, you made me believe.

Well I’ve been afraid of changing ‘cause I’ve built my life around you.

I always feared happiness because something’s bound to go wrong once you’ve dipped a toe in it. But I jumped in anyway.

So take this love, take it down.

Chris Isaak – “Graduation Day”

This is the end of it. Funny how things change.

Thinking of a time when everything was right / Thinking of a time with only you and I / Makes me sorry that it had to end that way / Learned my lesson, now there’s nothing left to say / Graduation day, oh, gradutaion day.

6

Stars – “Your Ex-Lover is Dead”

I’m not sorry I met you. I’m not sorry it’s over. I’m not sorry there’s nothing to say. I’m not sorry there’s nothing to save.

7

Billy Joel – “Vienna”

This is for you and me for different reasons.

Jeff Buckley – “Last Goodbye”

This is goodbye.

8

The Beach Boys – “God Only Knows”

This was what I used to sing in your ear. I tried to sing it to you on m y last night, but it just made me cry. Still, this is what I want to remember. This is what I want to keep.

Note: This memory has been tucked away in the deep recesses of my brain and there’s a boy who has been singing songs for me for over a year now.

Hanna Krishna S. Callora gets by as a freelance writer, who dreams of coconuts and watches movies in her head-world. She loves cake, music, movies, books, random trivia, new notebooks, thrift stores, coloring books, Post-its, and silly rabbits.