Illustrations by BUNNY LUZ
Words by PAOLO JOSE CRUZ

Swipe that ID. Log in to the system. Harness your chi. Enter the arena.

For those of us who aren’t blessed with a trust fund, mad freelancing skillz, or a sustainable “funemployment” plan, the average workday can sometimes feel like a merciless bloodsport tournament. Like competitive martial arts, office power struggles have a universal quality that cuts across all kinds of employment, gainful and otherwise. Even as the flavor and emphasis of the combat varies from one culture to another, the essential conflicts remain.

Many of these happen for genuinely petty reasons: irresponsible water cooler tsismis, passive-aggressive internal memos, ambiguously worded company policies, and “I believe you have my stapler”. But some of them hint at much deeper systemic issues. Of course, you’ve got the vintage Marxist theory about workers being alienated from the means of production, setting up a fundamental rift between management and staff. But intra-office brawling takes on more convoluted forms, including nepotism, sweetheart deals, horse trading, and stealing credit for others’ work. And on the most basic level, you have that old reliable standby: professional conduct FAIL.

The organizational structure of big corporations usually makes them an ideal place to foster vicious on-the-job combat. But really, it can happen in any workplace scenario: entrepreneurial ventures, start-ups, family businesses, you name it. Even a microenterprise could become a potential battleground, with the right (or wrong) mix of volatile approaches to getting things done. Likewise, it takes root on all levels: you can end up being party to a smackdown within a team, a business unit, an account, or even a whole department.

So how does one emerge (mostly) unscathed from the 35 Cubicles of Shaolin? For starters, it helps to recognize the various styles of Office Fu. Here’s a partial guide, arduously compiled from the notes of a Most Venerable Shifu’s Quarterly Performance Review.



Black Tiger Style

Like the fierce jungle cat, a Black Tiger Stylist goes right in for the kill, using an epic combo of battlefield strategy and raw force. This might be a positive thing, when “the kill” involves hitting production quotas, reaching a milestone, or creating a dynamic work environment. Obviously, this is not so great when it means taking over the duties of colleagues whom they judge to be under-performing, based on their own exacting standards… and by force, if necessary.

The Tiger Style is favored by people who are naturally bossy control freaks. Imagine the 80s Frosted Flakes mascot on ‘roids, and you have the basic idea. Direct and aggressive, they often seem like insensitive jerks, with their crisp approach to getting the job done. Often enough, they don’t mean to be assholes; they’re just so focused on the task at hand that the nuances of interpersonal relations become a secondary concern. Upper management may eventually take notice of their initiative, but it’s just as likely to saddle them with unwanted extra responsibilities, like sprucing up the company newsletter, or coordinating drunken “team buildings” at some beach resort.



Dragon Style

You can’t spell Dragon without “ADD”! (LOL whut?) Like the mythical beast, those who practice the Dragon Style are elusive, adapting quickly to new situations. They’ve got a versatile approach to solving work problems, and their need for fresh challenges often makes them restless, like a back alley crackwhore who’s, um, chasing the Dragon. They’re most likely to be found launching new products, working on pioneering accounts… whatever task requires a spirited kickoff, basically.

The Dragon Stylist’s extremely short attention span makes them incompatible with rigid structures, and that extends to basic stuff like policies, work hours, and deadlines. However, they’re usually warm and friendly, not unlike Eddie Murphy’s genial sidekick from Mulan. This just makes colleagues even more pissed off when the Dragon Stylist inevitably misses key details, or flakes out on crucial follow-through.

Nevertheless, disciples of the Dragon Style are valued for their innovation and creative thinking. Their keen sense of improvisation can lead them to develop out-of-the-box marketing solutions, or come up with original ways to streamline a supply chain. Of course, they’re just as likely to find novel methods for getting around the content filters on the office internet server. Micromanage at your own risk!



White Crane Style

For Crane Stylists, evasion is the name of the game. Let’s face it: as far as the animal kingdom goes, the Crane is a bit of a wuss. Sure, it might be graceful and efficient in its movements, but it’s not what you’d call a natural bad ass. Similarly, in the workplace, the Crane Style involves generally keeping to one’s self, and methodically avoiding anything greater than the basic level of responsibility. Mind you, this doesn’t necessarily mean slacking off or being petiks; in fact, Crane Stylists will often do exactly what’s assigned to them… and nothing more. They can be relied on to complete their duties, then promptly GTFO, leaping away to do stuff they really care about. (This may include crochet, SuDoku, and playing face-melting speed metal, among other things.)

A few Crane Stylists are motivated by a genuine fear of screwing up, or failing to meet expectations. But for the most part, followers of the Crane Style just don’t give a shit about the company philosophy, or the success of the brand. Their job is just that; a means to an end. They’ll grab the first opportunity to spread their wings and fly away from the office.

Next: Master Shifu evaluates the fast-paced Snow Leopard Style, the calculating Southern Snake Style, the plucky Northern Praying Mantis Style, and the expressive Monkey Style.

A Bunny of all trades and a master of none, so long as she stays within the realm of books, she is one happy camper. A spin doctor by day and an artist by night, Bunny is also known for geek debates, intense wanderlust and a sad but justified addiction to coffee and donuts. More of her art here.