Because being a douche is not mutually exclusive to penis owners

Words by TATIN YANG
Illustrated by ALICE SARMIENTO

Douchebaggery is the most politically correct among all of the deadly sins.  It doesn’t discriminate whether you are male, female, gay, black, white or any color in between.  It’s not a genetic anomaly, it can be contagious and there seems to be no cure at hand.  Here are some lamentably non-endangered douchette species from the female variety; learn how to spot one so you don’t find yourself being BFF’s with them or worse, in bed with them.

Douchette Barbie

Brunette on the outside, blonde on the inside, douchette Barbie is in possession of a smoking body and little else.  She is always seen at social events though no one knows what it is she really does.  Her favorite sport is name-dropping and all the elder sosyaleras are her “Titas” and her Facebook page is chock-full of tagged photos of her drinking and partying with the who’s who.  Her grammar and pronunciation are abominable due to her questionable origins (a petri dish?) which she attempts to conceal with a fake American twang which just makes it painfully obvious.

• Wardrobe: A tiny little slip dress and stiletto-heeled sandals
• Accessories: Camera in one hand, drink in the other, gum in one cheek, and the words “PARTYYYYYY!!!” coming out the mouth
• Grooming: Always fresh from the salon
• Douche Equivalent: The Pinoy Guido with a sprinkle of The Self-Righteous Slacker

The Ugly Boss Douchette

Back as a child her parents used to stuff her in the aparador when guests came by.  She didn’t have friends and the boys ran away from her in school. Some wicked twist of fate placed her in a position of upper management power and in a classic revenge of the nerds type of drama, she now makes life difficult for everyone through major doses of power-tripping.  Underlings in fear of their jobs pander to her by telling her through her Facebook page that she’s pretty, and she soon grows to believe it.  She gets off on making girls who are prettier than her (read: all girls) cry because that is the closest she gets to orgasm.

• Wardrobe: Power suits, shoulder pads
• Accessories: A sneer, an assistant, and your performance review under her arm
• Grooming: thick make-up, expensive perfume, and an aura of disdain

The Achieving Erudite Douchette

She could’ve been the poster child for Promil.  Her accomplishments encompass 70% of her body and this is evidenced by constant, stealthy bragging that she tries to pass off as “catching up.”  When you do get to talk to her, prepare to listen to a podcast-like chronicle of her achievements and a Blaine-worthy sleight of mouth trick, where she somehow manages to make every conversation turn back to her.  She turns her nose up at books not written by Sylvia Plath and sniffs and gargles wine before swallowing it to determine the “body and bouquet.”  Schooled at one of the “it” universities (perhaps even The Areneow), this particular species of Douchette thinks of herself as the smartest, most cultured girls to hit the Earth since, like, ever.  Her  three months spent at a workshop in New York (or some other country, a second option popular among erudite douchettes is London) makes her an expert on all things Nyack/Bri-ish, and she will pepper her blogs with references to her New Yorker/London roots despite the workshop being 8 freakin’ years ago.

Take this Douchette in small doses or your eyes won’t stop rolling back into your head, and P.S. watch your grammar, God forbid you use “who” instead of “whom” and you’ll end up on the receiving end of a lecture worthy of an English professor, complete with references to the class she had taken in some first-world country.

• Wardrobe: Black, because, you know, sophistication
• Accessories: A Moleskine planner
• Grooming: A look of indifference with a hairstyle to match
• Douche Equivalent: The Faux Intellectual

The Maneater

Chances are your own clique has a Maneater or a worthy equivalent: the prettiest girl in the group that has your guy friends constantly showering you with invites in the hopes that you will bring the Maneater with you.  She simpers and flutters her eyelashes in a seizure-like manner that has the guys drooling while she pretends not to notice how much prettier she is and is an expert in backhanded compliments, think “What a pretty dress you have on!  I was going to buy that exact same dress but my hips weren’t big enough to fit in it, like yours.” or “That hairstyle doesn’t make you look as fat na.”   If a guy douche has mastered the art of cock-blocking his buddies when a hot girl comes along, your maneater douchette BFF has pussy-poaching down to a T.

You don’t understand why you’re still friends, but she throws you a little bone here and there that makes you decide she is worth the effort when really she wants you there as a sub-standard foil.

• Wardrobe: Something clingy made from cotton jersey that says “I don’t really care how I look. Please help me tuck these bra straps back in. There. Riiiiight there.”
• Accessories: a lip nibble, a pout, and an elaborate excuse for snaking her way to your man.
• Grooming: hair long enough to flip
• Douche Equivalent: The Stealth Douche

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Tatin is a full-time makeup artist and sometimes has enough words to form sentences to form paragraphs to form material for some publications.

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Alice is a corporate slave to a retail distribution company and the managing editor of New Slang. She likes to tinker with STUFF. Today, she decided to tinker with a Wacom tablet.

This year, she has resolved to replace envy with fanmail and stop shoving her feelings in other people’s faces. She posts random songs here and overshares here.