In this three-part series, New Slang explores the various wastes of humanity that you might come across in your well-intentioned attempts to “socialize” or “get out more often”.

Illustrations by PETER MUTUC

Words by ALICE SARMIENTO

THE PINOY GUIDO

A Guido version of Jon Gosselin, only this look is usually unironically sported by people who’ve never heard of either Jon G. or Jersey Shore.This is a weird spinoff on surf  and beach culture made “palatable” for non-surfers who manage to fill their Ed Hardy shirts by spending all their free time at the gym. This is the guy your dad warned you about.

Wardrobe: fitted Hollister or Ed Hardy, may be toned down with just a black muscle shirt; cargo shorts, Havaianas, sometimes Crocs or Sanuks

Accessories: Still Pooka shells, wraparound shades, those weird rubber bracelets that used to say Livestrong (ballers? Are they seriously called that?), and chewing. Usually there is something being chewed.

Grooming: close-cropped then BOMBED with hair products, overdone gym bunny, you need a layer of myelin, aka fat, around your spinal cord to stay sharp. These guys usually exercise theirs away.

THE CONFUSED EMO KID

Too skinny to be taken seriously as a guido and too poor for Nautica and Lacoste. What results is a militant orc, blindly riding trends in music and fashion, and denouncing a system he may have wanted to join before it gave him the once-over and said, “No.” Usually he thinks his Che Guevara shirt is a portrait of the artist, himself: Bob Marley. The results of long-term confused punks are usually a conglomeration of every trend set in the past decade:

Wardrobe: Whatever trickles down plus last season plus Che Guevara or Hendrix shirt, colored or plaid jeans, SB Dunks or chucks

Accessories: shutter shades or colored wayfarers,mesh trucker cap, shitload of black rubber band bracelets, maybe a leather cuff retained from punk “period”

Grooming: None whatsoever, maybe nailpolish and eyeliner for when they’re hurting.

THE FAUX INTELLECTUAL

Name drops writers, artists, theories, -isms, even when it’s not necessary, think “Is that Wilco? Nihilists like me love Jeff Tweedy’s malleable granite technical facility on his bass.” Sneers at your beer because he/she only drinks hard liquor and German beer or free wine scammed off of gallery openings. Lays claims to a tortured soul, even if boredom is his/her only torture. Wears glasses with an air of righteousness (because despite all those books and theories telling us that all of these facades are just text, glasses are still license to act smarter than everyone else). Spend more time than they’re willing to admit on perfecting the look of indifference.

Wardrobe: Some dowdy black t-shirt with a cardigan thrown over and loose jeans/slacks or a long skirt. oxfords or loafers. whatever, they just want to look like they’re too smart to care even if they spent hours trying to perfect the “I’m too smart to care” look.

Accessories: Roberto Bolano’s 2666 in Spanish, a Moleskine, a cigarette, and a smirk. Because you know, they’re so deep.

Grooming: Nothing says I don’t give a shit like long hair with bangs. Half-baked facial hair. The stubborn stench of tobacco and irony.

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Peter gets by as a freelance illustrator who also reviews video games for Playground magazine. Easily amused, he enjoys comics, rhum, Batman, suspenders, rhum, and the company of strangers. More of his work can be found here.

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Alice is a managing editor of New Slang. This year, she has resolved to replace envy with fanmail and stop shoving her feelings in other people’s faces. She posts random songs here and overshares here.