BY jaton [at] new-slang [dot] com“>JATON ZULUETA
The Author at 17, awkward phase year 5
Back in 1999, I was questionably ugly, and potentially hideous. I was fifteen, the third year of a ten-year awkward era, wherein my gums, my teeth, and my lips all decided to outgrow my face. My forehead was covered in acne, so every time I thought too hard, a pimple popped.
The bullies in our class, Manila’s future singing cooks and waiters, had a field day: SO MANY THINGS TO MAKE FUN OF. And yet, the only thing they could think of was “Tigi-digs”. Tigi-digs, tigi-digs, tigi-dig, they would say when I walked by. Strangely, I kind of liked this nickname as it fit perfectly with my self-image: I always thought I was a stallion.
Strong. Stately. Sexy. Super. Awesome.
A stallion was an amazing creature, divirginizing girls by sight, and castrating boys with will power. Black and beautiful, it was the most definitely the animal kingdom’s alpha, an animal version of Halle Berry-in-her-prime.
But like most awesome things, my weakness has always been love. And for love, I, once a proud stallion, would bend over, and let the girl-of-my-dreams ride me (not a sexual pun at all okay) if that would make her happy.
Sensitive men make love, conehead style
What was further emasculating: I studied Dawson’s Creek like my life depended on it. I wanted to be like Pacey, but feel like Dawson, and yes I wanted Joey. I believed that childhood friends could fall in love, that picnics by the creeks were romance, and that all the kids in high school looked as beautiful as Katie Holmes (who I just have to say, had a horrible, horrible decade. The 2000′s just raped her soul. Never a good thing when the biggest thing that happened to you was Tom Cruise).
So while, the kid who looked just like a young Patrick Garcia worried about parting his hair perfectly, I, blessed with DIVINE-LIKE CONFIDENCE, went up to my first crush at the time, Maecy Duque (who was a cute in a Kaye Abad sortof way) one Friday Afternoon in Burger King, Robinsons’ Galleria.
I reached for her hand, reached for her hand, reached for her hand, and caught her refillable cup of rootbeer instead.
I drank it because I was nervous.
She laughed, smiled at me with green and pink color braces (note: this is a dealbreaker, for future Jatons. Your girlfriend’s smile should not be Christmas decor). She told me to meet her, same time, same place, two Fridays from now.
Our friends of course ruined a potentially romantic moment: her girl pals whisked her to the nearest bathroom while my gang of guys crowded me for details.
The week that followed I blamed on Dawson’s creek, the many romantic situations concocted by bored boys in exclusive schools, and the popping of sixteen small pimples (Brainstorming was good for the skin). Over the course of the next few days, I dipped love letters in my sisters perfume, compiled a notebook of poems copied lovingly from various pages of my mother’s planner, and finally, spoke sang a medley ‘90s R&B Hits over the phone:
I will never find another lover, more sweeter than you (more sweeter than you)
One, dream come true,
Two, because I want to be with you,
Three, because it’s plain to see,
That you’re the only one for me…Because you’ll always be my baby. Do do doot. Down.
Despite her living in the village, I only saw Maecy once. It was to drop off the journal of poems. I handed the journal to her the way the Japanese hand their business cards.
“Here is my heart.” I said.
Because I was nervous, I ran, my feet in a race with my heart. In my head, Eagle Eye Cherry was playing.
A week passed, and I called Maecy on the phone. “When will I see you?” I asked. She hung up. I called again. Her yaya (again, it was 1999 guys) told me that Maecy can’t come to the phone. Forever.
She didn’t answer my ICQ messages, my mIRC chats. She just disappeared, an amazing feat considering that she lived three streets away from me. Was it something I wrote? I told Macky, her friend and my confidant, “Oo naman. Masyado ka daw cheesy. Scary ka.”
Because the Matrix was huge then, those words shot through me like bullets, and while I tried to glide gracefully in slow motion, my heart was far too slow, and far too young to avoid the pain. “Cheesy. Ang pangit-pangit ng muhka niya,” I said the way the singer of After Image sings the chorus of ‘Habang May Buhay”.
Winner of the Ugliest Crying Face '99
I was devasted. I ripped apart “For Maecy: Journal of Poems volume 2”, a collection of Nerudas I had signed as my own. And I cried a lot, pretending that I was crying about school, my pimples, my asthma.
“You do not understand what we had, it was special,” Pacey said to Dawson in Season 2. I nodded, as tear-snot fell down my face.
I wrote Maecy a final letter, using my Dad’s legal pad. Since I’m Antonio Jr., the header said, “From the Desk of Antonio Zulueta,”- an official kind of stationery for something I was officially feeling.
The note read: You are not the one, Maecy. You will never be.
I left the note on the windshield of their parked Pajero, and as I walked away, in streets she’ll never be in, a part of me felt older. Stronger. State-lier. Sexier.
And just like that I was a stallion again.
Jaton is a managing editor of New Slang. He enjoys red hotdogs, all you can eat buffets, and writing to his future self. He tumbles here.
THIS WILL NEVER GET OLD! Thank you for making my day! HAHAHA! I love you, Jates!
Posted by marla | 01.29.2010, 10:13 amThis shit was very funny to me.
Posted by Edward | 01.29.2010, 10:37 amdefinitely un-funny
Posted by Tj Cafuir | 01.29.2010, 11:26 am“You are not the one, Maecy. You will never be.”
This is precious! You grand gesture types ALWAYS have the best stories.
Posted by RegBau | 01.29.2010, 12:18 pmI beg to differ. The ugliest cryface for all seasons and decades to come definitely goes to Claire Danes.
not the best example, but you get my point (hopefully).
Posted by alice | 01.29.2010, 1:33 pmhey marling, edward, reg: thanks guys! who knew that my very awkward childhood could lead to very awkward essays! don’t forget to contribute to the next issue
tj, thanks for supporting new slang anyway!
Posted by jaton | 01.30.2010, 7:54 amdude did you dawson’s face? so not a good man cry.
denzel washington’s man cry is what all good men should strive for.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=granderson/090609
and how can you not angela chase? crush na crush ko yan dati. debate to resume in person!
Posted by jaton | 01.30.2010, 8:02 amHoly shiitake. Post sufficiently enjoyed! Thank you for bringing us to a cringe-(and-snot-)saturated time in your life.
Posted by Carina | 01.30.2010, 10:49 amstallion highfive!
Posted by Petra | 01.30.2010, 12:38 pmjatooon!!! hahaha just stumbled on this today. i love it, brings back the memorable past… :p keep ‘em coming!
Posted by yas | 01.31.2010, 7:07 pmJaton, I always love love love your written pieces. Keep em coming, darling! Man, I would pay a LOT of money to have heard recordings of you singing them R&B hits over the phone. HAHAHAHA! “Close to me like mah motha, close to me like mah fatha, close to me like mah sista, close to me like mah brotha…”
Posted by Ria | 01.31.2010, 7:45 pmpwede bang special jaton spoken song r&b performance sa meiday?
Posted by Pepe | 02.01.2010, 4:09 pmJaton can’t make it to Meiday, whattafail! I request a podcast of Jaton singing the r&b greats of the 90s!
Posted by alice | 02.01.2010, 4:11 pmstallion high five guys (let’s never talk about this in person ok!)! thanks for reading!
carina and yas: i actually met up with this girl ten years later. she’s actually fantastic, and no i’m not in love with her.
ria, thanks that means a lot. huy we’re really excited for your piece! you MUST post pictures!
pepe, i actually read/sang this at our event. alice heckled me off though, when i was about to sing, habang may buhay. which is a fantastic song to cry-sing to.
Posted by jaton | 02.01.2010, 5:31 pmIf youre a stallion, how big is it?
WAHAHA im always a fan jaton! mwah
Posted by POW | 02.02.2010, 11:35 amBaaaam chiefy!! This was too funny! Cheers Jaton!
Posted by Cels | 02.02.2010, 7:18 pmme mom and ate paz were cracking up hahaha
mom said you did look tigidig when you were born palang hahaha
Posted by drea | 02.09.2010, 2:14 pmWOW THANKS MOM. haha
Posted by jaton | 02.10.2010, 12:16 am